I have been thinking of bullies because as Daniel gets older I have this thing inside me that is gearing up for the day that he tells me someone has said something or has done something to him. I am waiting for it with Ariel and Joshua as well. Kids can be brutal. Unfortunately for Daniel he may be least likely to comprehend what is happening to him. I was bullied a lot in school. There were a group of boys in my neighborhood growing up that were terrors. They did many mean things to me and I was always confused because they would pretend to be my friend and then do something like throw a rock at my head. I had a huge knot on my temple from that one.

Then there was the time they took my Pigs in Space lunch box and smashed it.

They pretended to be my friend that day as well. My mom got very angry with me and I got in a lot of trouble for letting them smash my lunch box. She didn’t understand what was going on. They made my life hell. They would act like they liked me to get me and then they would attack. Many a day I had to run home as fast as I could, my mom worked so I was alone, I had to get to my house before they could catch me and lock the door behind me. It seemed it wasn’t worth it to bother me if I was safe in my house. However, if they could get me outside horrible things would happen to me such as dog poop thrown in my hair, being held against my will and having my feet shot at with a bb gun, all sorts of bad things said to me and numerous times having something stolen from me.

It didn’t help that I had an odd name and a port wine birthmark on the side of my neck.

So that was elementary school for me. It was no wonder that I had temper tantrums and would hit other kids and have outbursts in class. I was sent outside in the hallway a lot. I got unsatisfactory conduct for talking and disturbing the class every year. I also had to sit on the bench at recess for refusing to do things in gym class, talking back and yelling at other students. No one cared to ask me why I was acting this way. Not one teacher asked me why I was yelling at the other students. Not one teacher asked me why I was refusing to do what they asked. Everyone just assumed I was a trouble maker. After all I came from a broken home and I lived in a lower income area. I didn’t show any potential right?

Not only was I suffering from social issues and sensory issues but I had to deal with being bullied as well.

That was just my neighborhood problems. At school I tried desperately to fit in. Finally in fourth grade I did gain friends. I believe now these four girls felt sorry for me. I was odd but I did love to dance. So we became a dance team and out on recess we spent our time making up dances and performing for the rest of the kids. I loved it, but something happened. I don’t recall what all the issues were but I told too many stories and that is what brought down my friendships. I just wanted to fit in. I tried to be like them. I wanted their lives. They had nice homes with a mom and a dad, and they seemed happy.

They got to have birthday parties with friends and they went places like the movies with each other.

I didn’t get to do that. I was embarrassed about my life and I just wanted to be normal and accepted. I mimicked them but that only lasts so long. By the next school year they would not talk to me and they had dismissed me as a freak. I have taken the blame for this stuff because I don’t remember what happened but I am sure now I wasn’t all to blame because that year when they had cut me off, during gym class one of the girls freaked out on me because I had shaved my legs. My mom said I could and there was nothing wrong with it – I was 11 yrs old. She yelled at me and said I was too young to shave my legs and couldn’t believe that I did and said what kind of mother do you have to let you shave your legs so young.

I think she might have had her own issues after thinking about it.

During middle school there were different kinds of bullies. Social bullies. Girl bullies and boy bullies. I got made fun of for my birthmark and my name. I would always make people laugh though. I didn’t mean too I was actually being serious but I would say the wrong things and people would think I was making a joke. That became my schtick. I still do this. I learned to just go with it when people laughed and then think about it later why they would think it was funny. So I learned what was inappropriate, to some extent. I was doing much better in middle school I made friends but by the next year they were no longer my friends.

I had made the dance team and was doing quite well.

The only problem with this is that I was obsessed with dance and my friends thought I became conceited. I wasn’t conceited, I was both amazed and estatic that I had made the team again the next year. They decided to teach me a lesson and started putting anonymous letters in my locker pretending it was from someone I really liked. It’s a good thing I didn’t talk to anyone and make a fool out of myself. They finally told me and I was crushed.  They decided not to be friends with me anymore. There is more to this story but it is very long and past history. I share it because it was devastating to me. Heart crushing and so confusing.

Another one from middle school: One of the most popular boys said to me during a game, “You’re not bad looking – if you didn’t have that birthmark, I would date you.”

High school was pretty similar to middle school except going in I had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who severely hurt me, confused me, devastated me, and put a knife in my self esteem for the next decade of my life. He was mentally, emotionally, and on occasion physically abusive. We dated for three years. He was a habitual cheater, liar, drug user, drinker, and high school drop out. He went to three different schools and finally quit. He threatened to kill me and kill anyone who attempted to date me. I believed him since he went after one guy and beat the crap out of him just for talking to me. He followed me and would show up at school, break into my locker and read my note books to see what I was doing.

I finally got away from him but I had to move out of state.

I did move back after seven years and this guy who was married with three children still knew the day that I moved back. He watched my apartment and showed up at my workplace one day. I told his wife and found out she was stalking me too. I ended up moving to another state again. Having this relationship really caused me a lot of damage. Being already confused and not understanding social cues, I was ruined for relationships to come.

I will write on that later.

Doing an overview of these events reminds me of how I need to equip my children to learn how to read social cues. I am still learning because the bullying did not stop and in the past two years I have been the victim of bullies again. The difference this time is that I had David to help me understand what was happening. After having the wrong behavior revealed to me, I was able to research and study for myself what it looks like. I now can look at my past and stop blaming myself. I thought I must have done something wrong for people to treat me the way they did. I thought it was me. I took all responsibility for their actions.

I never want my children to feel like they cannot share with us what is happening to them. I never want them to feel like it is their fault if someone is mistreating them. It is my responsibility to equip them and build into them so they will not allow anyone to treat them inappropriately. There are many resources now about the subject and many for Aspie’s so I am very hopeful for the future of our children. I am hopeful that there will be more awareness about Aspergers and the autism spectrum so we will be accepted and not bullied or made fun of. I pray the forced isolation will dissipate and understanding will flourish.

But if it doesn’t, at least I can teach my children how to live in a world that won’t accept them and be comfortable with that and with themselves.

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