Take a Deep Breath
Some would consider this quite ridiculous, some would think me crazy, some would roll their eyes at me and some would completely understand what I am about to share. Right at this moment I am on the verge of tears. My insides are convulsing and the tears are beginning to come. I am taking deep breaths to calm myself as I am beginning to cry and am unable to control it. This is what happens to me when I have had too much social contact and unscripted events.
Today was Sunday and that means church.
Granted we go to church in a movie theater and it is a lot more comfortable for me than a regular church setting. None of the lights or sounds are on so it is quite peaceful before the actual movie theater opens. However, this morning Daniel would not get out of the shower, we began to run late. I have not been sleeping that well the last couple of days and that always feeds into my anxiety. David and I decided to stop at a coffee shop so I could get some tea and he a big latte. We were late and that makes me very anxious.
We got to church 15 min. late!
When we went to drop the kids off several of the little girls needed to go potty and there were only two teachers so I offered to stay until they came back. This made us walk into service very late and that makes me anxious. I feel awful walking in on the pastor while he is giving a message. I feel everyone looking at us and I have to keep my head down because it feels like their eyes are piercing into my skin. After service we get the kids and Daniel is wrestling me, I have to go to the restroom and send the kids out with David and Mom. Finally in the car I begin to calm down and relax.
David decides he wants a sub from a place I cannot eat from.
So I decide to go to another place and we stop to get a menu because I need to look it over to be able to choose what I want. We go to his sub place and get his food and drive over to the other place for me. I thought David would go in for me but he really didn’t want to and I got upset and said fine I will go in. Here it is the last bit to cause me to feel what I am feeling at this moment. I get out of the car, all I am doing is repeating my order in my head over and over again. I have never been in this place and I don’t know where to go. I don’t know how to order. I don’t know how the people are going to respond to me as I walk in the door.
This is one of my fears.
Ordering food. Yes, I am afraid to order food from anywhere. I cannot pick up a phone and order food without talking to myself the entire time. I have to have a piece of paper right in front of me with everything exact so I can order properly. If they ask me additional unexpected questions it throws me off. When I lived by myself I would rather starve than order food. I used to just not eat rather than go to the grocery store. Eventually I would go but I would have to talk to myself the whole time and tell me it was ok. I would only go to stores where I knew the layout.
I walked up to the register, looked at the guy and blurted out “I want a chicken parmesan sub to go.”
He looked at me and said “oh, you are making an order.” He was nice thank goodness. He took my order and then noticed my confusion and said I could sit at the bar and wait, it would be easier. So I did very thankful that he told me that because I was on my way outside because I was in a panic standing there. As I sat there I heard all of the sounds, an elderly lady spilled her drank all over the table, her friends, and on the floor. Ice went everywhere and I wanted to jump up and help clean it up but several of the employees came so I would have just been in the way. The sound hurt my ears. It was dark in there and the low hum sound of all the people talking was driving me crazy.
I tried to fix my mind on something so I read the closed caption on the TV.
It felt like the longest 10 min. of my life. The employees kept walking past me because I was right next to the kitchen. I felt the breeze of them every time. Then they would look at me every time they passed by and would smile and I just wanted them to stop looking. I smiled once, geez there is no need for anymore smiles. I finally turned myself completely to the TV so I wouldn’t have to do anymore smiles. My food finally came and the guy handed it to me TOO close, he could tell it made me uncomfortable and he apologized. Any normal person would not have a problem he wasn’t that close but for me it was.
Today’s events were actually the finale to the last three days.
Yesterday my mom and I went to a big garage sale that was inside a storage unit. We were in a confined area with a lot of people. Both of us were freaked out. We also went to a library book sale and I had gone on Friday as well. I had entirely too many social contacts the last three days. I had three days of being around people. Saying hello when I didn’t feel like, trying to come up with small talk and ending up just being awkward, my schedule for all three days completely off and now I am crying and do not know why.
Well I do know why but nothing triggered it my mind just finally said that is enough.
I have become so good at faking it that the only people who know I go through this is my mom and David. In the past I would just keep it to myself and have my meltdowns when no one was around. No one ever knew this about me. I used to drink a lot and that would help ease the pressure for social situations but I was not a good drunk. I would have flip outs over very unimportant things quite silly things actually but they were not silly to me at the time. I couldn’t control myself and my temper would get the best of me. I didn’t understand the social rules at clubs or bars and I didn’t understand my relationships. I was in a state of confusion, frustration, and anxiety all the time. And I couldn’t share it with anyone. I was desperate, lonely, and depressed.
I am very thankful now that I am able to understand when I am overloaded and that it is ok when I do not understand social situations.
I did not understand that before. I thought something was wrong with me because I wanted to stay home. I thought something was wrong with me because I would get freaked out meeting new people. I thought I just had to push myself to get over this but it only made it worse. Now I understand that these situations cause me much anxiety and are too much for me and it is ok if I cry for no reason other than I am overloaded.
I am so thankful that my kids are not going to feel the social pressures as I did.
If they do not want to go out they don’t have to. If they have a meltdown after we have been in a social setting it’s ok. I will just comfort them and let them know it’s ok. As they get older I will help them learn to find the thing that will help them through it. Mine is writing. I am already feeling better and I am not beating myself up for crying and feeling like that was stupid because I didn’t have a legitimate reason in my mind. I do not understand all of the things going on in my neurological make up but I do know my brain is different and reacts differently than others. To some going to a garage sale and ordering food is fun. It is a time to socialize, get out into society and have a good time. For me it takes all of my energy and taps into the fear of the unknown. That doesn’t mean I never go anywhere I do want to socialize and do things but I just have to prepare myself. I have to make sure I take quiet time afterwards also.
So I take a deep breath and get ready for the next adventure.
