I have been wanting to know for years why I would go into study frenzies of certain things, people and places. They were usually things that had some sort of dark imagery or association with it. I loved things like vampires, gargoyles, went into a Marilyn Monroe phase, loved and still love Edgar Allan Poe (who I was reading obsessively at the age of 9) and I used to watch horror movies and read horror novels like crazy.
Then there is always my serial killer thing.
Through the years my obsessions have changed off and on. I gave up my lovely vampires and gargoyles and traded them for God and religion. I don’t just like things I study things, I devour information. When I fell in love with vampires I didn’t just fill my house with vampire like items; I had every book I could find on them. I talked about them as if they were real. I began to believe in them. That is my pattern I have noticed and now have read about with Aspie’s. For the past 11 years I have traded my vampires and other goth loves in for God and religion.
I had an experience with who I feel was Jesus and that set me on a quest for truth.
I had to find out who this Jesus was. I got tons of books researched the Internet high and low. I researched the Bible to find out what that was all about. I was doing pretty well at adding things up and finding the info I was looking for until I started going to church and that messed me all up. Then I was getting exposed to all kinds of inconsistencies and people who lived lives very confusing to me. I had already hit the shelves of Barnes and Noble and Borders which drove me to questions that led me to the Christian bookstores. I started going to the Christian book stores which opened a whole new world of reading. What I found were a whole lot of different beliefs, ideas, theologies under one roof and I needed to know them all.
So began the enormous library I have now from Christian authors and theologians.
My book shelves are also filled with about 10 different translations of the Bible, Greek and Hebrew Lexicon, Bible dictionary’s, books on how the church was started, how the Bible was organized and put together and on and on. Many a books I have devoured to try to understand the faith I claim to hold. The problem is it is not black and white. I cannot have a simple answer. I find out one thing that makes me go into a whole line of questioning and it continues with no end.
I have to stop myself.
I have done this with people in my life as well. Sometimes that is not so good. I have been trying and trying to let the whole church thing go. I have tried not to be angry and obsess about people who are on TV and online everywhere acting all crazy and robbing people. I try not to obsess about the experiences I have had with people being horrible to me and others in the church. I have tried to just let it go when I have seen leaders who claim to love and then destroy the lives of others, it infuriates me. Those people who claim they know who God is and they are closer to Him really sets me on a tangent. All of the inconsistencies, hypocrisy, lies, manipulation and fear driven agendas make me very confused and upset. I always have to pull myself out of the obsession and remind myself that not every person in church is like that. Sometimes it is very hard.
These things have almost made me mad but I think I found my resolve.
I was wanting an answer for my behaviour so through my strange way of reasoning I came to search for “serial killer obsession Aspie’s”. I found a great article that answered a lot of my questions. It also made me feel better about how I think. I do study , research and dissect as much information as I can when I do not understand something. I also do it when I love something. I do not just do it with things some people consider dark or wrong. I have done it with home schooling, dancing, working out, diet, music and the lives of people who intrigue me. The many great writers, musicians, scientists and artists.
If you have made it through this post here is the link to the article that helped me understand my obsession thing.