The other day a woman said to me “we are praying for Daniel. That is not what God has intended for him”. I had a moment when I felt like I wanted to jump over the desk and grab her and yell “How dare you say something like that! I am going to pray for you because you are not the way God intended!” However, I didn’t, it took all I had and I turned looked at Daniel with a big smile on my face, asking God to give me the right words to say because I knew she didn’t understand what she was saying. I calmly looked at her and said ” if you want to pray for Daniel pray that he isn’t effected by his sensory integration because that is what hinders him most of the time”.

No we are not pondering the same things.

I cannot tell you how incredibly thankful I am for Daniel. When I was going through my denial stage I prayed and prayed for his healing. I just wanted my life to be easier. I thought I couldn’t take it. I was wrong. And God did answer my prayers beyond anything I could have ever imagined. He prompted me to the resources and books that would open my eyes to healing. Part of that healing was getting away from people who said things like the woman from the other day. Because of Daniel I have had my whole life make sense to me. The prayers that I have cried out through out my life have been answered. I am understanding me.

What is healing anyway?

Healing is defined as “the natural process by which the body repairs itself”. Well I am going through a natural process and Daniel is too. I think of healing as becoming the whole you, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I have learned through Daniel what happens if I don’t eat right, get enough sleep, how the moon cycle effects me, some of my  anxiety could be caused because of my amygdala  being overstimulated and I can control a lot of these things. There are just so many things that I have been made whole from because of finding out about AS through Daniel.

I did take action though, I didn’t say “oh God heal Daniel” and just sit around. I have researched  and I have put things into practice.  I am trying different things, whatever I can with in reason, to try to help us do better and be whole with our Asperger’s. The great thing is that by me receiving understanding about AS  I can now help Daniel with struggles that otherwise I would have been at a loss with because I have been most of my life. Now we are able to succeed. That is God’s true healing power whatever helps us to gain knowledge in our true identity. Learn how to be the best person we are supposed to be.  To be enabled  to use our gifts and talents to the best of our ability.Everyone should be able to have that freedom.

I no longer beat myself up for feeling awkward in social settings.

I am able to be myself around other people because now I know who I am. I am quirky, I say strange things, I do goofy things, I think completely different, I say what is on my mind, I don’t look people in the eyes all the time, I move my hands around and am extremely annimated, I laugh when I am not supposed to, I sob loudly when I feel someone else’s pain, I sing and dance in public, I get too close to people but freak out if they get too close to me, I like being alone, I hate talking on the phone, parties make me anxious, (even though once I get there I have a great time) I will dominate a conversation, and the list goes on and on.

I don’t do it on purpose, I just do it.

I have no intention of doing the things I do, I just do them. So when it comes to my kids, all of them and I see these things in them I just let them. Well unless they are getting out of control or causing someone to feel uncomfortable. But I do, I remember how damaging it was for me as a kid being yelled at or punished for doing things like that. Not just from my parents but from countless others teachers, babysitters, family members whoever. Constantly telling me that what I was doing was wrong and we don’t do that but no one told me why. I was left with feeling trapped inside myself, odd, alienated, and feeling like I had to do whatever to get in the box. I have had this even as an adult, but why?

Why not anyway, who says?

I do not want to do that to my kids. I want them to feel that freedom. They have to, it is part of my healing and it is part of Daniels. We will be a family accepting each other and people along with admiring and respecting their differences. I don’t believe most people see that as healing. And that is why I believe they are indeed not pondering what I am pondering.

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Some interesting things, I took several quizzes to see if I had AS. I posted a few.  These are by no means a diagnosis but they have  been very helpful. They have been really good for me in understanding the way I think and the way neurotypicals think. I feel that it is always good to understand yourself and others.

This one is pretty long but it is very good.

http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

They give you more details with the results and show the AS score along with the neurotypical results.  I spared you my detailed results. Here are my results simplified.

Your Aspie score: 164 of 200

Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 41 of 200

You are very likely an Aspie

This one has 50 questions and goes pretty fast.

http://aq.server8.org/

My results were 41 out of 50

How to interpret your AQ score:

0-10 Low

11-22 Average ( most women score about 15, most men score about 17)

23-31 Above average

32-50 Very High (most people with Asperger’s Syndrome or high functioning autism score 35)

50 Maximum

This one is just a personality type of test but it was interesting. I did score differently from another time I took it. The last time I got an 8 and it said I was very aggressive so I wonder if I was in a mood that day or something.

http://similarminds.com/test.html

Main Type	Overall Self

I am currently searching for info on women with AS and there is very little. I believe many women and girls have gone through the cracks because we don’t respond the same way as boys do in situations. I am hoping to find more articles and research on the subject. If anyone has info please send it my way.

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You would never know it by looking at me but I am socially awkward. Social situations have sent me into intense panic attacks. Over the past six months I have gotten a lot better but I still have my days. It’s not just being awkward it is not understanding what people are saying or doing. I can not read when someone wants me to be quiet or if they want me to keep talking. I don’t know if someone is joking or not. You can see it on my face when I realize something is going on that I don’t understand, I get the dog look. You know the one with the head tilt and the “huh” face.

I usually don’t notice anything until after the fact.

By now I have had so many bad experiences with not reading people that I have become over sensitive. I will be fine and not even think about it until I leave and then the thoughts begin to flood my head. Oh, no, I said this, I made this face, I waved my hands the whole time, I laughed at something and now that I think about it I don’t think they meant it to be funny. A whole array of things go through my head. I used to be extremely concerned about it.

That was really pointless.

Let me explain a little bit more of how serious this has been for me. I have been afraid to talk to people. There are many reasons why like I can’t remember their name a lot of the times, no matter how many times I am told I still have this fear that it is not their name so I can’t talk to them. I don’t know when to end a conversation. I have these moments where I feel like the conversation may be over but I am unsure and leave people hanging or I over extend my stay.

I laugh at things that others don’t think is funny.

I do this a lot I can’t even give a good example other than during church service all is quiet and the preacher says something and I think it is hilarious and can’t stop laughing. There was one time there was a preacher talking about a plane crash it was horrible, I started laughing and couldn’t stop. I wasn’t laughing at the horrible things and how people suffered that made me quite sad. What I was laughing at was the complete inappropriateness of his story and it struck me as irony that he was telling us this sad story but wanted us to see how powerful God was. I don’t know it’s hard to explain. Anyway I got looks that day.

I could give you countless stories of my socially unacceptable behaviour, but I won’t.

The only reason I know they were wrong is because a family member or friend sat me down and told me . They had to explain why it was wrong. For several years  I was not having panic or anxiety attacks and I was doing very well. Then after a few years of Daniel’s situations I started having them again. I believe the reason was I never knew what to expect. I didn’t know how Daniel was going to respond and I didn’t know how people were going to respond to him or me.

I had no control over anything.

I am a lot better now. A friend let me borrow a book that helped a great deal The Anxiety Cure. Here is a link from Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Cure-Dr-Archibald-Hart/dp/0849942969 I have been to several links that have helped too. I will have them below. The bottom line to overcoming a lot of anxiety take away the food, exercise, stress level factors is “don’t care what others think and be yourself”.

That is what I want to teach my kids so I have to be able to lead by example.

It is so important for Daniel that I don’t allow others effect me. I have to stay at peace for him, he feels it when I am freaking out and it effects him. Actually Ariel and Joshua do too. I need to be ok for them and myself. People have said so many things about Daniel and I am amazed at how society feels they have the obligation to call out anything that seems abnormal to them. It truly baffles me, but I am one who yells at people in Wal-Mart when people make rude comments or get in my personal space so I guess I am not much better.

I have learned (and am still learning) that you can’t please everyone and it’s ok if everyone doesn’t like you. There are people who do  and that is great. It may be a limited amount of people, but for me I would rather have one friend who truly cares about me  than a 100 friends who try to make me like them.

Talk about anxiety.

http://www.anxiety-and-depression-solutions.com/wellness_concerns/anxiety/diet_and_exercise_help_fight_anxiety.php

http://www.womenfitness.net/antianxietydiet.htm

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/coping-with-anxiety/AN01589

http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/food_and_anxiety.html

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During this journey with myself and Daniel and I have encountered a lot of things regarding family. Family can be your worst enemy sometimes. Mine has been off and on my whole life. Not in a really bad way, not like some families. However, there have been psychological issues mainly because I am an Aspie and many of them hold several traits as well or are just plain narcissistic.

It is kind of hard to write about this because my family has always been there.

They are good and loving people. However, there is a lot of family history and with that Daniel’s situation has been a bit harder. I read about other people who have very supportive families. They jump right in and do whatever they can learn everything they can about the AS and how to help. I am sure there are others that I have not found where that is not the case.

I hoped my family would be the ones who took an interest.

My mother has and it has brought much healing to us and our relationship. She has recognized that she too has many AS traits and that has explained a lot of the situations that happened while I was growing up. We understand each other now and it has helped us to understand who we are and why we do certain things. Now I understand why my mom didn’t hug me or had to have QUIET. I wasn’t supposed to talk to her when she got up I had to wait until after she had her tea. She had rituals that she did everyday from the time she got up until she went to bed and if they were disturbed it was not a good thing. She wasn’t horrible she just HAD to have things a certain way.

She still does but now we know why. (I do too)

Other family members try to understand as much as they can. Somehow I feel confused though. I have sent out e-mails with information about AS. I have sent my blog for them to read. I have shared poetry about Daniel and have not received any responses. When I have talked to them they have the “how is Daniel” question but that is it. While being with them physically they seem to think that Daniel is perfectly normal or is going to snap out of it or something. To be honest I don’t know. They don’t say anything. I am left with trying to read them and being that I have AS I have no clue!

It is very frustrating and painful.

Maybe it’s my definition of support. I think of support as acknowledging you have read things. You have taken an interest in trying to understand me and Daniel. Time spent reading something about us. Interacting in a way that lets me know that they think about how differently we think and how different we see the world from them. I have spent time doing that for them. I have spent my whole life trying to understand their world. There are people in our life who have shown more vested interest and trying to understand and help than many of our family members.

It leaves me confused and hurt.

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