The other day a woman said to me “we are praying for Daniel. That is not what God has intended for him”. I had a moment when I felt like I wanted to jump over the desk and grab her and yell “How dare you say something like that! I am going to pray for you because you are not the way God intended!” However, I didn’t, it took all I had and I turned looked at Daniel with a big smile on my face, asking God to give me the right words to say because I knew she didn’t understand what she was saying. I calmly looked at her and said ” if you want to pray for Daniel pray that he isn’t effected by his sensory integration because that is what hinders him most of the time”.
No we are not pondering the same things.
I cannot tell you how incredibly thankful I am for Daniel. When I was going through my denial stage I prayed and prayed for his healing. I just wanted my life to be easier. I thought I couldn’t take it. I was wrong. And God did answer my prayers beyond anything I could have ever imagined. He prompted me to the resources and books that would open my eyes to healing. Part of that healing was getting away from people who said things like the woman from the other day. Because of Daniel I have had my whole life make sense to me. The prayers that I have cried out through out my life have been answered. I am understanding me.
What is healing anyway?
Healing is defined as “the natural process by which the body repairs itself”. Well I am going through a natural process and Daniel is too. I think of healing as becoming the whole you, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I have learned through Daniel what happens if I don’t eat right, get enough sleep, how the moon cycle effects me, some of my anxiety could be caused because of my amygdala being overstimulated and I can control a lot of these things. There are just so many things that I have been made whole from because of finding out about AS through Daniel.
I did take action though, I didn’t say “oh God heal Daniel” and just sit around. I have researched and I have put things into practice. I am trying different things, whatever I can with in reason, to try to help us do better and be whole with our Asperger’s. The great thing is that by me receiving understanding about AS I can now help Daniel with struggles that otherwise I would have been at a loss with because I have been most of my life. Now we are able to succeed. That is God’s true healing power whatever helps us to gain knowledge in our true identity. Learn how to be the best person we are supposed to be. To be enabled to use our gifts and talents to the best of our ability.Everyone should be able to have that freedom.
I no longer beat myself up for feeling awkward in social settings.
I am able to be myself around other people because now I know who I am. I am quirky, I say strange things, I do goofy things, I think completely different, I say what is on my mind, I don’t look people in the eyes all the time, I move my hands around and am extremely annimated, I laugh when I am not supposed to, I sob loudly when I feel someone else’s pain, I sing and dance in public, I get too close to people but freak out if they get too close to me, I like being alone, I hate talking on the phone, parties make me anxious, (even though once I get there I have a great time) I will dominate a conversation, and the list goes on and on.
I don’t do it on purpose, I just do it.
I have no intention of doing the things I do, I just do them. So when it comes to my kids, all of them and I see these things in them I just let them. Well unless they are getting out of control or causing someone to feel uncomfortable. But I do, I remember how damaging it was for me as a kid being yelled at or punished for doing things like that. Not just from my parents but from countless others teachers, babysitters, family members whoever. Constantly telling me that what I was doing was wrong and we don’t do that but no one told me why. I was left with feeling trapped inside myself, odd, alienated, and feeling like I had to do whatever to get in the box. I have had this even as an adult, but why?
Why not anyway, who says?
I do not want to do that to my kids. I want them to feel that freedom. They have to, it is part of my healing and it is part of Daniels. We will be a family accepting each other and people along with admiring and respecting their differences. I don’t believe most people see that as healing. And that is why I believe they are indeed not pondering what I am pondering.