The Great Escape
I wanted so much to get back into ministry and “do the work of the Lord”. (OK) So I jumped right in. I began to serve in many different areas. I got overwhelmed. The church was much unorganized and would do things on a whim. Not good for an Aspie. I would come in and expect one thing and it would change or the even more confusing thing was “we were never going to do that”. WHAT? I have a very good memory so when things like that happened it really messed me up. Not to mention this group of people hugged and touched all the time. No, no, no! If you didn’t look them in the eye they thought you were hiding something from them.
It makes me very uncomfortable to look people in the eyes.
I was trying to escape what was going on at home. Yes, I wanted to serve and that was my heart. However, I see now that I had other motives as well. I hadn’t realized yet how it was so much more important to serve at home fulltime and not stretch myself thin trying to focus all my energy at home and church. I tried to explain to people what it was like with Daniel and they just didn’t get it. The attitude felt as though well serving in church is more important than anything and if you can’t do both than you are not spiritually mature. I am still working through a lot of stuff dealing with the people at this church. There were a lot of unspoken rules and social dynamics that I just didn’t get. I won’t get because of my AS.
Love? Really?
They seemed to be ok with people lying, gossiping, slandering, and they even rewarded those people with positions or special tasks. Implying that it is the love of Jesus to let people talk about others and misuse your words. It is just baffling to me. In my opinion it is not very loving to allow the ones being hurt to be victimized and belittled. Forcing those who do not operate in these things to feel like they are not sacrificing enough or worse yet they are the ones who are not loving. The words were never spoken but you were always being compared and threatened. If you didn’t conform to the group then you were in trouble. If you questioned anything the pastors said or did you were in rebellion or had a demon. Well not everyone thought you had a demon only the ones who were gossiping.
Got fed up!
After a year and half of complete confusion, questioning, exhaustion, and desperation I said wait a minute. I am not wrong here. So I looked at my family and I looked at me. We were all wore out, tired, angry, and Daniel’s progress was very slow. We prayed and we felt like the Lord gave us the answer to leave. It took several months, I gradually backed out of the areas I was serving. And we slipped away as quietly as we came. But I left with a lot of scars. I was still hurt, confused, and angry. So I went off on God a bit. You can read it in My rant to God.
