I would like to take a moment and express something about my writings regarding church or religion. I am a Believer in Jesus Christ. I have a perspective from a non-denominational point of view, I guess. I have no problem with other denominations. I do however, have a problem with people who claim that their denomination is the only denomination. Or their church is the only one with all of the answers.

Let’s be open minded.

I hope that this doesn’t hinder anyone from reading my experiences or poems about my emotional dealings with church. My biggest beef is with religion. I have a problem with” religious” people. That goes for any religion and philosophy that deems itself being the sole knowledge on any given subject. When it comes to God I feel He is a mystery. The Bible states that we cannot know Him fully. That may sound like an oxymoron coming from a Christian who claims that Jesus is the only way.

God loves.

I used the word “knowledge” for me that means information, ritual, or revelation that states it has the sole wisdom on the subject of God. I believe God will meet us wherever we are at and He will do whatever it takes to show us how much He loves us. He invaded my life while I was not going to church and I was living a lifestyle according to some that would have God as far away from me as possible.

So let us not limit God.

Though the Bible also says we have the mind of Christ for me I feel that means we have the full knowledge of how we are suppose to live. Jesus gave us an example throughout His ministry. We have the mind of Christ when we are focused and living out the life that Jesus showed us how to live. For me the mind of Christ does not mean we have hidden knowledge or revelation into the insights of God. How can we?

Let’s agree to disagree.

I know there are those who would disagree and I am ok with that. I am not trying to convince anyone to believe what I believe. I am open to listening and communicating with people of other faiths. We are not limited to one social group and I HATE labels.

Bottom Line.

All of that being said I would like to point out that I am attacking the system of man not the man itself. I am attacking my own false pretenses and expectations of God and man. To me the system of man sees fit to destroy other human beings for the sake of their own personal gain. It is a system which fails to recognize the value of others. A system that uses peoples gifts and talents as a means of selfish gain. A system that demands others to submit to their agenda or be faced with damnation. Not eternal damnation but social damnation. In some cases even the threat of eternal damnation because you have gone against the status quo.

As I write and gain freedom in my thought life and from my social anxieties I am gaining more understanding of myself. I am able to articulate the pain that has been in me but I haven’t been able to communicate. The religion I am talking about is not limited to church, temple, or synagogue. It is in our families, our friends, our work place. The religion of social cues and status quos. The demand to be the same so you don’t rock the boat.

My faith is a large part of my life but my writings can be applied to many situations and people who have been hurt by some sort of religion.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/religion

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“I am so angry and I don’t want to say why. But I have to get it out it is driving me crazy. God these people, what they do in the name of love. How can they say they love? I have tried to reason and go through my head over and over again. I continue to want to think the best. I can’t. I turn on the TV they are there telling people to get out of debt give them money. The churches we have been in the last few years demanding our loyalty to them. If we do not follow them or the next big “Christian fad” then we don’t hear from you. WHAT? Are you serious? I am supposed to listen to a person who is controlling and manipulating people to get my money or to make them feel better? Disillusionment. I have been swindled. They tried to take my mind and make me believe that I am not worthy unless I believe them. I am not capable of reading the Bible and know what it means? Hello! They don’t even know what it means half the time. How can I believe a person who gossips, slanders, lies, and isn’t even pretending trying to be nice?

God these are your people? I cannot not even function anymore. So much damage has been done to my brain that I have to do a major renewal. I have to rethink everything I have been taught about you. They tell me I don’t know you that I am not able to hear you clearly. Yet, before I got there I heard you plainly and I listened. Sometimes I did what you said sometimes I didn’t. But now how do I know it’s you? I’ll tell you how, I know you. God I know you. I know who you are. You are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. You are love. You said we know people by their fruit. Let me have good fruit. Take care of all of this damage that I have built up over the past years in church. Lord You know what is good for me. Make good in my life. I am done with holding on to the past. Set my feet on my future. Thank you God thank you for this life, this joy, this moment with you. I love you Lord. You have shown me life”.

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I wanted so much to get back into ministry and “do the work of the Lord”. (OK) So I jumped right in. I began to serve in many different areas. I got overwhelmed. The church was much unorganized and would do things on a whim. Not good for an Aspie. I would come in and expect one thing and it would change or the even more confusing thing was “we were never going to do that”. WHAT? I have a very good memory so when things like that happened it really messed me up. Not to mention this group of people hugged and touched all the time. No, no, no! If you didn’t look them in the eye they thought you were hiding something from them.

It makes me very uncomfortable to look people in the eyes.

I was trying to escape what was going on at home. Yes, I wanted to serve and that was my heart. However, I see now that I had other motives as well. I hadn’t realized yet how it was so much more important to serve at home fulltime and not stretch myself thin trying to focus all my energy at home and church. I tried to explain to people what it was like with Daniel and they just didn’t get it. The attitude felt as though well serving in church is more important than anything and if you can’t do both than you are not spiritually mature. I am still working through a lot of stuff dealing with the people at this church. There were a lot of unspoken rules and social dynamics that I just didn’t get. I won’t get because of my AS.

Love? Really?

They seemed to be ok with people lying, gossiping, slandering, and they even rewarded those people with positions or special tasks. Implying that it is the love of Jesus to let people talk about others and misuse your words. It is just baffling to me.  In my opinion it is not very loving to allow the ones being hurt to be victimized and belittled. Forcing those who do not operate in these things to feel like they are not sacrificing enough or worse yet they are the ones who are not loving. The words were never spoken but you were always being compared and threatened. If you didn’t conform to the group then you were in trouble. If you questioned anything the pastors said or did you were in rebellion or had a demon.  Well not everyone thought you had a demon only the ones who were gossiping.

Got fed up!

After a year and half of complete confusion, questioning, exhaustion, and desperation I said wait a minute. I am not wrong here. So I looked at my family and I looked at me. We were all wore out, tired, angry, and Daniel’s progress was very slow. We prayed and we felt like the Lord gave us the answer to leave. It took several months, I gradually backed out of the areas I was serving. And we slipped away as quietly as we came. But I left with a lot of scars. I was still hurt, confused, and angry. So I went off on God a bit. You can read it in My rant to God.

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