I am not going to speak about Asperger’s in technical terms or go into the medical stuff. There are many blogs, websites, and resources that have done that and do a great job at it. I will list the ones that I go to and frequent. I also have a list of books and resources that I use regularly to help me and my son.

It’s about the journey.

I mentioned in the About section that I am using this blog as a way of expressing myself to help me on my Aspie journey. I have always written from the time I was able to write. I have had journals and journals. I wrote poems and stories as far back as I can remember.

If I wasn’t writing, I was dancing and singing – 45’s Baby!

I had my portable record player and would sit in my room for hours listening to all of my mom’s albums and all those “Read Along” stories. Now that I’ve found clarity about Aspie traits, I look back and see how I created my own world. And when someone interrupted it, I was VERY upset. I didn’t have a lot of friends actually I didn’t have any in my neighborhood. I had one at school. So my time was full of doing whatever I wanted.

I am social…I do have the ability to communicate and have since a child.

I usually speak whatever is on my mind and do not really comprehend that it could offend someone until later. But being that I am out there and pretty social (even though it puts in me in a tailspin of anxiety and panic attacks), people do not think there is anything different about me from them. So that has caused me quite a lot of pain and confusion.

Because I am social and don’t really think about it, I have been so confused by social cues. I can tell you exactly what I mean but the person listening hears what they think I mean. It’s confusing because I mean what I am saying – there is nothing hidden or implied in my words where I say one thing and mean another. It’s hard for many neurotypicals to get that, at least those that I have been around. I have had really great people in my life but they just don’t get me. I can be surrounded by a group of people like my family for instance and still feel isolated, awkward, and misunderstood.

And these people love me.

I had a crash course in understanding people who manipulate and control others. I really never knew they existed. In my mind, I honestly thought that if people were acting like that they didn’t understand what they were doing.

I have had some boot camp experiences in the last few years that actually brought me to a place of finding out that I am an Aspie. Even though the experiences were quite painful, it has brought about my emotional healing and mental restoration.

Most of all, understanding my son.

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I remember when Daniel was born he was first; he paved the way for his twin sister and made the whole experience very quick and easy. He turned head down at about six months and stayed that way until the end. He was so far down I thought he was just going to come out at any time. When I saw him I only had a moment because the doctor asked if I wanted to rest and then said if I did my little girl may go breech. So I didn’t take a break I said “let’s go I can’t have that”. Seven minutes later there she was my precious Ariel.

My twins are finally here!

I got to hold Daniel right away but it was very short. I had to wait until we got to the room to finally enjoy him. They were so beautiful. It was such an awesome experience and I was filled with joy. I remember thinking I didn’t know if I could love them. I was sort of afraid that I wouldn’t be able to love them the way they needed to be loved. They were so precious and such amazing gifts. I thought everything would be great. Just like the pregnancy and birth. It was all so good and went so well.

I thought now we will just be like everyone else with kids.

I had the image in my mind that we would all be happy and normal. At least my kids, I didn’t think they could possibly suffer from any of the things I suffered from. I came from teenage parents who got a divorce when I was three. Lower income up into my teenage years, living in a trailer. My mom being divorced and my dad remarried to my step mom with their own family. Being bullied and made fun of all through school, suffering from anxiety and depression from as far back as I can remember.

No way would our children ever have the same fears and issues as me!

David and I am happy, stable, we work hard at keeping peace and balance in our household. Surely our kids would be able to enjoy life and not have any problems. Right?

My Kids

Bright and smiling they lead me to join
into the trumpet of laughter and song.

The questions they had for me today,
gave me hope in a new way.

Dancing and leaping just because,
what fun it is to live life as bright as the sun.

We have such peace, wonder, and love.
Countless moments and many to come.

They make me better they make me right.
They cause me not to be so uptight.

They fill me with awe and surprise.
Wonderful gifts that no money could buy.

Unique and different in every way,
I can’t say no when I hear “Mom, let’s play”!

They are perfect in everyway,
being themselves as they play.

All frustrations wash away,
when I see their smiles throughout the day.

My prayer for them is that they will be
truly who they were created to be and live their life completely free.

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