About a year and half ago I hit my wall. I was under a huge amount of stress. David was working from home but he didn’t have an office so I had to try to keep two three years and a one year old quiet. Not happening. Daniel was at his worse, every day he was flipping out. While we were in another state, we couldn’t find a church home or friends to connect with so for almost five years I was with the kids and David. We had many connections with multiple churches but we were not connected. I didn’t get out of the house. It was very hard. So when we moved here I was desperate to meet people and get out.
No one gets it.
We started going to a church it seemed good at first. Let’s just say it wasn’t the right fit for us. People really seemed not interested in what was going on with us especially Daniel. I would try to tell them but it seemed like they heard the word “autism” and that was it “we are praying for healing”. So I started just saying he had “sensory issues”. It was just easier. I wanted him to be healed but I didn’t really understand what that meant. For me I just wanted his pain to stop and my pain to stop. I couldn’t share with anyone there what I was feeling. When I tried to share with them what life was like for us and they were very uninterested.
I was misunderstood, unheard, manipulated to feel as though I wasn’t “spiritual” enough, and really hurt. I actually take responsibility for most of this because I was trying to get people to understand who are not capable. Not because they are not intelligent enough but because they operate in a system that is not the same as mine. I tried to get them to understand my system and they don’t want to they are perfectly happy with their system and either you get on board or you get out. So we got out.
This is how I have felt at these times with Daniel.
My screaming child, what do I do?
I tried all I can to help you.
Your pain so deep.
Oh, God why can’t he just communicate?
Tormented by things I cannot see.
How do I comfort you please, tell me please?
There is something wrong I know, I can see,
just give me the answer so you can be free.
My heart is breaking before my eyes.
My little boy as he sits and cries.
Nothing I can do.
Nothing I can say.
He is tormented each and every day.
I can’t comfort my little guy.
I am getting angry too; what do I try?
No one understands.
No one feels the same.
Watching my son in so much pain.
God help him, help me!
I can’t take it anymore.
What do I do?
How can I say, I just can’t take this one more day.
He is my son.
I love him so; but something has got to give;
I have got to know.
How do I help him and me today?
Give me the ability to go on another day.
Tired and weak.
So deep is my cry.
Help my child be at peace today.
Take away his pain and fears so he can play.
Just let him be happy let him have fun.
My little boy I see in his eyes;
glimpses of joy and laughter they come.
They give me hope I know he is in there;
waiting to come out with no more fear.
My little boy will be free and live a most joyful life;
full of laughter and peace.
All is quiet the screaming will cease.
Be the first to like.