It has been a month since I have been on here! Wowsa, time seems to be moving at a rapid speed and I am unable to grasp a second to take a breather. It has been like this for so long, that I sometimes have a hard remembering when it felt like time was standing still and I was stuck in quicksand, unable to grasp hold of anything to get breath peaceably. My life has always been like that, falling into the depths of despair or leaping onto rapid waves of unstoppable.
I rarely have a middle ground — if I did I am not sure I would know what it looks like or how to respond to it.
I have found that since, I’ve been able to calm my mind and filter my thoughts into more productive outlets, I am not as frazzled. I do not feel as though I am being tossed about without being able to control anything. I do have more control over many things in my life, and those things that I do not have control over I have managed to find peace with them. (on most days) In doing so, it revealed what was causing much of my angst and anxieties about not being in control of certain aspects of my life.
Throughout my life, beginning with child I managed to find ways to create and maintain routines.
Though, much of my life they were disrupted or had to be modified for my mom’s own structured routines. I did learn how to adapt. I managed to create new ones when I moved in with significant others, but most of the time it was easy because they were not home or we worked different schedules. I liked it and hated it at the same time. I could not control how they affected my environment and because I was not with them constantly, any sort of behaviors that were “new to me” would throw me. My immediate response was I do not know you at all! You have never done this, why are you doing this? My world is crumbling!
The only time I had complete peace was when I lived by myself — as I remember it.
I remember that I felt safe. I had my own routines that no one questioned or disrupted. If I wanted to alter my routine in any way it was my choice. My apartment was quiet, calm, comforting, and just the way I wanted it. I only had that for about a year and half. Prior to that the times I had lived alone I was in such states of depression and social confusion that I preferred to have anyone around, but that caused triggers and spirals of depression too. During that time, when I had peace living alone, I also enjoyed my job. I was happy at the church I started to attend, I was making friends.
I felt connected, well … I felt more connected than, I had — I still felt a sense of not belonging.
However, when the triggers of anxiety and/or depression would coil its way into my thoughts I would sink into my apartment and cuddle myself in isolation. I was able to pull out though. I could crawl my way back up and find hope sooner. All my life I had wanted my own safe place that would not be invaded, whether that was my mind, body, spirit, or environment as long as I could have one place to escape to I was able to survive this world. For a short season, I felt as if I had gained all of those safe places at once — when I felt as though I lost it I spent the last decade trying to get it back. I didn’t realize that certain new adventures that I put myself on were a way for me to escape the reality that I was never going to get “that place” again.
I continued to tell myself once (such and such) is over, finished, completed, answered, then, THEN I could finally go back to that place.
I have been chasing after my routines. I am able to adapt my routines and change them with new things that come into my life; however, when I find that I REALLY like a certain routine or even emotion that I have felt I never want it to go. I tell myself that one day I can have it back. There are many issues that come with that line of thinking — people, things, and situations change. It is hard for me to maintain a continual remembrance of that truth. I know it, but in certain places of my mind I either don’t know how to believe it or I do not want to. Maybe it is both or some other reason.
The reasons do not truly matter at this point, what has to be done is acceptance.
I need to accept that I will never get the past back. Even yesterday, there are things that I wish I could change and there are things that I loved about the day. I want some of it back, but I can’t get it back. The time is gone, the person I was yesterday is gone and parts of me are still here today. I learned valuable lessons yesterday and today I have found joy in being able to sit down and write for a moment. Something I have not had the pleasure to do in weeks.
Change is so hard for me, I can do it, but it takes such effort, restraint, self-soothing, and constantly reminding myself that it is ok.
I have come to terms that part of my “unhealthy” self-soothing has been the unspoken promise that one day, ONE DAY; I will have all that I had during that short period of time when I was in control of most everything in my life. I have managed to lie to myself all of these years by shading over the dark parts with white wash. I managed to convince myself that even though people hurt me deeply during that time, if only I have the answers to why, or if only I could go back that somehow all of it would be settled and peace would fall across the land.
I grew up reading great tales, fairy tales, which helped me escape the terrible pains I was feeling.
I created my own fairy tale retreats in my mind and morphed them into comfort and false hope — this is not necessarily a bad thing. My imaginations manifest in poems and stories, they help me to work out emotions, situations, and thoughts that I do not understand. That is healthy; it becomes unhealthy when I can think of nothing else. If I am escaping from my realities to the point of wanting the false hope more than, real hope. I have had a clear mind for quite a while. I am in a healthy place most of the time; I do have depression that lurks during the winter months.
I do get easily overwhelmed and anxiety ridden, especially during the holiday season.
I am not always ok, life can get incredibly challenging and I sink. The difference when I sink is that I am no longer chasing after vapors. I am not seeking to find a place that no longer exists. I am fully here, mindful of my life. I have stepped back from certain things that take me away from my life. When I find myself feeling certain ways I no longer go to the internet to find comfort. The truth is it has become too hostile for me. My emotions and abilities are stretched pretty thin on a daily basis, when I go online lately I have found that it wipes me out.
I become easily exhausted reading facebook, twitter, and even blogs that enjoy.
I try to read as many as I can, but I have to be sure that I am emotionally and physically up to par. I may have written about this before, mostly likely I have since it has been happening for several months. (A year maybe.) I was extremely frustrated with myself for a while because of this, now I accept it. I have to do what is best for me and my family that means saving my energies for them. Daniel is going to be evaluated again for Speech and Language to see if we can find any answers about him losing his speech. He is getting it back daily now, but we need answers and hopefully, to pinpoint the cause to help him with resources. I plan on getting the kids into other programs around here too to help with dyslexia, dysgraphia, and for the boys reading and spelling.
That will be taking up a large amount of time.
Daniel has taken to wanting to be involved with us much more too. He has always been involved with us, but he has been requesting specifics which has not happened before. He wants us to participate altogether as a family. He wants to spend more time with me and he wants to spend more time everyone else around here too. He takes his breaks when needed, but lately he has been spending a lot of time with us. I want to be here for that mentally and emotionally. Since I made changes a while ago with making efforts to try to be more present, mindful here, I have changed even more and so have things around here. David and I also, realized how important it is that I get alone time.
We have now started to schedule a day for me at least once a month, where I go and do whatever I want.
I can take as little or as much time as needed for myself. I do not really need a lot of time as long as I have time I am good. The promise of getting time alone gives me something to stay focused on so when the rough days (weeks, months) come I know that I will have some time to spend in quiet. He has been going out of town so much that it was taking a serious toll on me last month and I could feel myself sinking deep into hopelessness and exhaustion. That is what brought about the “day break.” I am not entirely sure why I am writing all of this or sharing it, but I do know that in order for me to move forward and let go of past things that I have been clinging to I need to accept that “it’s gone.”
If I need to mourn over some of it so be it.
Maybe this is my way of writing out the grief and coming to terms with it all. I plan to keep hold of the memories and cherish some parts of my life that brought me a different type of joy. I plan to move forward and look to new aches and joys that come with life. I get so wrapped up in details and trying to resolve these things that we call emotions that I lose sight of what really matters to me. I also, get quite anxious when I start so many new things and it is rather easy for me to fall back into the past where I already know the outcomes — painful pasts can be much more safe than, unknown futures.
I have found myself at the end of thought, so I will stop here — thank you for reading if you made it this far!