Those who have been reading my blog for a while may have noticed that I am not posting as much as I used to. There are several factors for this; I could list them all but it will make this post much longer than it needs to be. I can get rather wordy. (And distracted.) I can already feel my mind going into many directions, thoughts, details, explanations, stories, etc … I do not want to pull you into the labyrinth that has formed to help me make connections and solve puzzles to bring me peace of mind. No, I will spare you this time. I have plenty of “mind-dump” posts that do that. However, I make no guarantees that this post will not be wordy. Ok, I will tell you a little bit because it will help to understand. Over the course of about a year and half, I have found that I have lost interest in some of my most prominent special interests.
They have been replaced with new ones.
I have some that get triggered into a great obsession for a few days, but then I am satisfied and go back to my new ones. However, my special interests have become much more balanced. I find myself utterly submerged in absorbing information, taking in details, studying every aspect to fulfill my need to feed the insatiable desire to answer every last question that pops into my mind then, suddenly I am awakened to daily life. To my surprise, I have been able to pause my thirst for answers until I am able to devote the time I long for. This is new for me and for a period of time it left me with a mix of emotions. I felt lost. I felt as though I had lost some part of my identity and it made me feel sad. Who was I if I did not have the unquenchable desire to go on a quest of questions, answers, connections, constant RESEARCH??
I felt confused and bored.
My thoughts had been in is such a state of frenzy for so long I could only label what I was feeling as being bored. The boredom I speak of is actually a state of mind that is good. My mind was calm, though I never stopped thinking, connecting, consuming information and details about my interests and all around me, I still felt something that I had never felt before. My thoughts were finding their place in my file folders tucked away, organized properly, in the file cabinets in my mind quicker. I was not looping as I used to, I still looped but it was different. I still loop, but it is not a painful agony. Literally, when I would go through some of my loops the heart ache from confusion or not being able to have answers drove me into the stages of grief that you feel when your heart is broken or you have lost something or someone very dear to you. It hurts terribly.
Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle with this and some triggers are far worse than others, but it has not caused me to shut down for days or weeks like it used to.
I have been able to figure things out on my own without the need to talk it through with David, or write about it the way I used to. I believe much of this has to do with all of the positive changes that I have made in my life. This summer, I have spent a lot of time with my kids. I have always spent a lot of time with my kids, A LOT of time with us being together so much that in a way it made me lose connection. I was not fully engaging and enjoying them the way that I wanted to. I was here and not here. So I have made it a point to stay off the computer more during our summer break. I have had my days where I needed to decompress and venture into my virtual world, but it made me see how much I was using it to try to deal with things.
It did help me and has helped me on many occasions, but I realized that I need to be more present mentally with them.
I am so proud of what Daniel has accomplished this summer in his summer enrichment program. He is such a happy fella and has enjoyed himself a great deal. He has become very affectionate which is new. He is explaining his thoughts to me this is new. He is trying new things and initiating conversations with people, those he knows and strangers without demanding that I talk to them and ask his questions for him. There are so many things that he is doing that I did not realize he was not doing — if that makes sense. I am proud of Ariel and Joshua too! I would brag all day long about all three of them, but I won’t. Of course, everyday is not like that, but I am sharing the positives because in the past I would not have been so much in the here and now that I could truly appreciate these things. I would have moment of joy and thankfulness then, I would quickly jump to the next distraction. I was so overwhelmed and just trying to get through my days using unhealthy coping mechanisms.
I did not do this on purpose; it was the only way I knew how to cope with all that I was trying to process.
There is so much for me to process on a daily, hourly, second by second basis that it is hard to keep a clear and calm direction. I had to go down some deep dark paths and face my past — I needed to accept who I was in order to find myself and accept that I will continue to change and grow. Logically I knew this, but I continued to have lurking thoughts that one day certain things about me would stop if I just found the right thing or the proper rule. I used my blog to help me and for the past five years it has been a life saving platform for me. It truly was my solace, my hope, my direction, and my identity. Now when I go through something I still write it out, but I do not publish all the time. I read other blogs that give great information and insights and think I really do not need to jump on that train. I no longer have the time to try to edit and reread what I wrote.
I am doing so many things that I cannot keep up with writing, sharing, or put in the time to do social media.
I wasn’t good at that to begin with now I am lucky to make it one to two days a week to visit blogs and facebook pages. After thinking about all of this for several months, and being stuck on the couch because of vertigo for several days, I decided that I need to keep this redirection. Because I was unable to look at a computer screen without getting sick, and I could not move off the couch because I would pass out or almost pass out, I decided to try and get the kids first semester of school ready. Thankfully, I was able to do that. I got all of the lessons prepared, created a new organizational system that I think will work great for all of us. As I got a little better each day, I created a calendar for new adventures that I have planned. When I was able to read the curriculum it occurred to me how much more attention they are going to need from me. I am going to need to be more creative in ways to help them and to cultivate their learning independence. It was then, that I decided that I was going to take it easy from blogging.
I already have, but I needed to make it official in my mind.
I plan to write and share when I feel like it. There are so many great things that I have planned for them and myself this next year that I want to make sure I get it on here to help me remember AND to share with those of you who read. The funny thing is every time I think I am going to take a break from writing something usually happens and I end up writing a ton of posts. We’ll see what happens, I am not stopping I am just cutting back. I feel a real need to devote more quality time with my kids. They are getting to that age where it is going to go by so quickly and I want to savor as much as I possibly can. I am looking forward to this year. I am excited about the new school year, I wish it was a few months away, but I am excited. Again, we’ll see how the start of the year goes with new teachers and working with therapists.
I am hopeful.
Goodness, I tried to make this short! To finish this up, I am redirecting and focusing on my home life. I have a couple more races before the half marathon. I will be training. I am still studying for my group fitness certification, hope to have that complete by September now. I had to push it back because David is going to be out of town much more during August and September. I am trying to find ways to get funds for Daniel to continue with the school that he has been going to. They will be offering an after school program, but it is such a large chunk of money I am not sure how we will be able to do it so I will be focused on trying get grants. That takes so much time. I cannot recall the other things, you get the point. I will end this post here, and say thanks to all of you for reading and sharing in our journey.
It will continue just not so frequent, I suppose. Until next time, best wishes!